I’ve done this a million times, okay maybe not a million, but I’ve done it A LOT. Started a blog… quit. Set out to lose weight… quit. Said I wanted to make changes…. quit. Swore off Diet Coke…quit. I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line I became a big ole quitter. When times get tough, I revert back to what’s easy peasy. This time… this time things have to be different.
I escaped from the city over the weekend and enjoyed 4 days tucked away by the lake. It was relaxing, it was allergy filled, it was… a large cosmic slap upside the head of reality. At the end of the day when I look in the mirror I’m just not happy with me. Inside and out I’m not the person I want to be.
Let’s start with the outside, since my little hambone was born I’ve carried around an extra 15 pounds. Truth is it’s not baby weight, my baby just turned 7. He didn’t force me to eat my weight in tacos. He didn’t drag me from the dinner table to partake in seconds. Oh no it’s not baby weight, it’s bad decisions weight. That weight hides not so well EVERYWHERE. My thighs are showing dimples, my arm keeps waving when I stop, and my once flat stomach has taken on a mind of it’s own.”Ruuuuuuunnnnn, the blob…. it’s coming.” The icing on the cake (mmmm cake) came this weekend while standing on the dock in a bikini waiting for Hambone to get in the chilly lake water. In short… he took FOREVER, leaving me exposed for the world to see in a bikini that wasn’t flattering since I bought it a long time ago. As I urged him to please hurry up and get in, it actually crossed my mind to toss his slow moving behind into the water. He was wearing a lifejacket so it would have been totally fine, right? With the logic being, the faster he gets in the faster I get in. That was it, the final straw… I can’t go another weekend feeling like that. I don’t want to crawl in my own skin anymore and I don’t want a ticked of 7 year old.
As for the inside, that’s a bit more complicated, but I’m sure it is for everyone. Bluntly put, I am a worry wart wrapped up in chicken little syndrome. I stress out A LOT, because that’s how I’ve always done it. Honestly, that’s the only explanation I have, I’ve always been a stressed. Stressed myself out so much in fact that I worried myself right into 5 years of panic attacks, but that’s another post all together. The point is I worry myself sick and that easily brings down those around me. When I worry and stress I pick at those closest me. I’m afraid to say that when I don’t know what to do, I bark out orders. I uh don’t know how to handle this so uh go clean your room. Not exactly the best way to enjoy life or to help others enjoy life. That’s what this is about, enjoying life and pushing away all the minor stressing and worrying. Contrary to popular belief the sky isn’t actually falling and even if it were that’s what we have Bruce Willis for.
So that brings me here, airing my dirty laundry for the world to see… making myself accountable. Today June 3, 2014 is day one of 365 days of changing who I am. Setting goals and achieving them, while enjoying the challenge. No more quitting, no more wanting to shove a 7 year old in a lake and no more rough around the edges. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I want to do this for me. I want to feel good with who I am and how I make those around me feel.
Welcome to me…